Swill Child

Phillip fills his fists with crisps
his lips shift, nibbling, dribbling spit
risk it, win big. In his plight, find bliss.


Phillip drinks milk with wild thirst
spilling it, dipping his chin in his dish
insipid piggish cringing dimwit.


Phillip is pissing in his crib
stinking, sticking in his dirt, licking it
I think it, insisting: kill him.


Phillip is whinging, writhing
indistinct hissing lisps, childish
visit rigid kicks, infirm git writhing


This is it, bitch.

Abandon

Blinded by the sheen of the shade in the quay
old man on a curio yacht
the note of his baritone call reaching far but
falling far short of its goal:
you.


Mouth of sagging gums, gamey muscle
wailing to the nominal none
eyes of coal saw through water
wake sending codes to
you.


Wide nose poring over solemn cooler
mashing chum onto tackle
maritime armistice to cower behind
pole dipping, yo-yoing for
you.


He has a need to keen, chords guiding him
into cold dark sea
until just a dot set against indigo void
adrift until he forgets
you.

When We Offer Support, Take It

Originally published in the December 2025 issue of Rochester Red Star. 
    I had held off on republishing this piece here because I authored it under my real name, but I have decided not to live in fear of my writing finding the eyes of those who hold professional/institutional power over me.
    I am still proud of this short essay, even if I no longer am of the organization which published it.

I have noticed a tendency in myself and my comrades that I believe does us a disservice on several levels. We are too reticent to ask for help, and even to accept it when offered. I see this in a lot of contexts: we are afraid to burden others with our anxieties when they have their own stressors to deal with. We don’t want to renege on commitments that have become a struggle to maintain. We want to be able to do it all. In my opinion, this attitude comes from living under a capitalist system, and we should unlearn it.

There is a concept of internalized bigotry that is applied in various contexts: women internalize the misogyny of our patriarchal society, and likewise racism, transphobia, ableism, and so on get internalized. I find this framework useful because it encourages self-empathy while also suggesting that we recognize and challenge unhelpful beliefs. 

For instance, it is not the fault of individual women that we have a tendency to compete and tear each other down, even though this inclination supports our own oppression. Rather, it is the result of living from birth in a society that sends the message in infinite ways that we are lesser than men, that we should have to work harder to get the same success as they do.

However, just because we should not accept blame for having those impulses does not mean we should let them go unchecked. On the contrary, when we see that manifesting as harmful behavior in ourselves and others, we should challenge it. The point is that this should be done with empathy.

This mentality applies to all internalized bigotry, and I think it can be brought to this internalized drive for self-sufficiency. The idea that we should be able to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and that needing the “charity” of others to get by is some kind of failure, comes from individualist, patriarchal beliefs. Incidentally, this means this problem is often more prevalent in those of us who have marginalized identities. 

Socialism is a system opposed to the patriarchy and imperialism. Our ideology has more in common with collectivism than individualism. I feel confident in saying that, if I were to abruptly ask for some significant help from my comrades in Rochester DSA, be it in terms of taking up my organizing work, emotional support, or capital, none would hesitate to provide all they could. In many cases, we are eager for the opportunity to put our beliefs into practice. Why, then, do we worry about “taking too much”?

Just as helping a comrade in need is praxis, accepting help when needed is, too. “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” is bidirectional. Not just to avoid burnout, and to take care of ourselves under fascist capitalism, we should ask for and accept help because doing so lets us manifest the better world we believe is possible.

Recommended Reading

Last updated: 19 July 2026 (reposted due to Google/Blogspot censoring my other suggestions for ways you can ethically acquire books by white guys)

The following is a list of some of the writing that has affected, radicalized, aroused, or taught me the most.

Free To Read Online

Against Safety/Towards Bleed - The Garden Below - about the dangers of safety in transfemininity and tabletop gaming

The Palette Grid - Jay Dragon - what if safety tools were good?

Faggot Games: An Urgent Warning - Eclipse Dot Gay - incitement to make unapologetically horny games. This follow-up post builds on it; read both. 

Priestess - Gray Levesque - very lyrical and trans short story. There's a lot of good stuff published in The Temz Review (including this) but I think this is my favorite piece from it so far.
 

Books You Should Loan From Your Library

I Hope We Choose Love - Kai Cheng Thom - essay collection covering transfemininity, "mental illness", racism, queer and activist spaces, and more. Her fiction is also very good.

Bad Habit - Alana S. Portero - one of very few novels to make me cry.

Stag Dance - Torrey Peters - short stories & novella, all extremely transfem from wildly different angles, all extremely good. Read all her work.

The Dangers of Smoking in Bed - Mariana Enriquez - short horror stories set in Argentina. All her collections are great, but this is my favorite.

The Collected Schizophrenias - Esme Weijun Wang - nonfiction about living with our culture's most stigmatized "mental illness."

How to be an Antiracist - Ibram X Kendi - I feel like this is mainstream enough I probably don't need to platform it, and it looks like low-hanging fruit to say: "look how woke I am!" but it did really leave a mark on my worldview; especially the emphasis on judging systems and beliefs over individuals. And if you're white and haven't examined your white fragility at all, it's a very (too?) gentle first step toward fixing that.

Before Gender - Eli Erlick - nonfiction about trans people alive between 1850-1950, pretty much all of whom were erased by history. It also covers MULTIPLE trans-led riots pre-stonewall. Effie Smith is an icon.

Books You Should Pirate Because They Were Written By Cis White Men (They're Still Good I Promise)

Crazy Like Us - Ethan Watters - journalistic nonfiction about the irreparable harm the white supremacy and imperialism inherent to psychiatry and big pharma has done worldwide.

The Book of Woe - Gary Greenberg - nonfiction; discusses the greed and farcical incompetence of the corporation that decides which of us are insane, the American Psychiatric Association. I now recommend this over Saving Normal by Allen Frances, especially because Frances himself features prominently in this book, in a more honest and critical light.

The Dawn of Everything - David Graeber & David Wengrow -  big long list of prehistoric and ancient cultures that were way less evil than what we've gotten stuck with today; a counter to the dominant narrative in archaelogy/anthropology/history etc.   

Shardik - Richard Adams - the guy who wrote YA classic Watership Down also wrote a fantasy epic for grownups. No speculative elements, big fuckoff bear, child slavery, what more could you want?

Jerry Cornelius series - Michael Moorcock - My favorite Moorcock books, even above Elric (this blog's namesake). It's like if James Bond was severely fucked in the head and extremely queer, plus pornographic illustrations.

The Prisoner - Patrick McGoohan - yes it's a TV show; it's important to me, shut up. Aggressively 60s, weird allegorical sci-fi, way ahead of its time and our time. Watch it, then watch the documentary so you can understand why I'm crediting this show to one guy, and worry for me that I relate to him so much.

Collected Works of Otto Gross - Gross was one of the founders of psychoanalysis, as influential as Jung from what I can tell, but he's been erased for being a communist about it. He's far from blameless, but fascinating, and he does have some good takes (my favorite is his essay that calls gender norms a "humanity-encompassing etiology").

Collected Fictions - Jorge Luis Borges - I dunno what to say other than that Borges' work is deeply weird in wonderful and influential way, and he conveys a love of books that is very specific and relatable.

Invisible Cities - Italo Calvino - fiction without narrative; just sheer weird imagination. 

Unknown Armies Adept School: Marismancy/Grindrgy

This is an idea I've had on the back burner for ages. What can I say? Writing adept schools is almost comforting to me at this point. I'm sure this says great things about my psyche. 

Disclaimer/content warning: the following is full of detailed references to sex, kink, and queerness. Don’t read if you are thin-skinned about any of these. Or at least, don’t bother me about it if you do and upset yourself.

Marismancy/Grindrgy

AKA DLs

 

Marismancy is the awkward offpsring of Eastern cryptomancy’s (see Postmodern Magick) struggle to survive and the evolution of gay cruiser culture into the 21^st century.

Eastern cryptomancers were modernist descendants of one of two rival ancient Greek mystery cults. They could never tell those outside the fold the truth, and like their Western counterparts, they were mostly gay men whose need to be closeted throughout so much of history shaped their magick.

The new, information-age cryptomancy school (see Book 5: Mine) has shed its ties to queer culture. Marismancy can be thought of as a splinter group to whom gayness remained as central as the secrecy itself. It is the magickal legacy of a subculture of hanky codes and glory holes.

Being a (cis) gay man is less stigmatized in today’s America, but the shadows of secrecy, insecurity, and embracing of outsider status remain fundamental. Infused with this is the brusque, almost masochistic machismo of the era of “male loneliness epidemics”, femboys, and incels.

Central tension: the paradox of marismancy, like that of pornomancy, has to do with subverting the inherent intimacy of sex. Since the rise of HIV and the like of Grindr, Sniffies, and Chatroulette, “postmodern” cruiser culture is full of avoidance and loathing of one’s partner’s and one’s own feelings, which could complicate the basic physical act. To put it crudely, it’s about treating your bottom like a disembodied hole (or top like a disembodied cock) so you can get your nut off.

Notes on gender and sexuality: Marismancy is a school practiced by cisgender gay men, cisgender bisexual/pansexual men who only fuck other men, and cis men who consider themselves straight but have sex with men.

As far as what counts as “sex with men”, what matters is the perception of the Grindrge. If they get a blowjob from a trans guy who passes, and thus read him as cis, it counts for a charge. After all, adept magick is powered by whatever cracked perspective lies in the head of the wizard himself.

It is possible for people who identify with different gender and/or sexuality labels to practice the school, with the following caveats: first, they charge half as well (eg. they must perform the criteria for generating a charge twice to get a single one), and second, they cannot cast formula spells or random magick that rely on anatomy they lack.

(Obviously, there are also cis men without dicks and/or balls, due to intersexism, amputation, magickal anomalies, etc. Technically the same restriction on spellcasting applies to them.)

Generate a minor charge: Have sex with a man (see above note on sexuality) that you have not previously (to your knowledge) had sex with. For marismancy, sex is defined as any act involving genital and/or anal penetration, as well as docking, frotting, and mutual masturbation.

Generate a significant charge: Have sex with a man you have had sex with at least once before. There is a limit of one charge per man per month.

You can also get a sig from engaging with a new (i.e. never previously engaged with yourself), socially unacceptable kink with a prior sexual partner.

“Socially unacceptable” is admittedly nebulous; examples include public sex, incest roleplay, scat, diapers, pup play, and consensual non-consent. If it would freak out your average conservative, Christian man, it probably counts.

Having sex with a man whose identity is entirely unknown to you (due to the presence of a glory hole or pup hood, being blackout drunk, etc.) counts only for a minor charge, even if it’s a previous partner.

Generate a major charge: Owing to its ancient-world roots, however indirect, marismantic practice still has a certain caché that can only be built up over many centuries. Reflecting this, a DL gets a major charge upon teaching ten men the school. It is required to break taboo at least once with each disciple as part of their training, during an initiation involving ritual sex.

Taboo: Sex for DLs must remain anonymous, in the sense that you cannot learn anything meaningful or specific about a sexual partner, including their name, line of work, place of employment, hobbies and interests, or family history. To do so, even accidentally, is to break taboo.

It’s worth noting that deeply private things such as which socially unacceptable fetishes a hookup has, or that they have weirdly misshapen balls, do not break taboo to learn, given the school’s paradox.

Random magick domain: Secrecy, desire, internal conflict, self-delusion and sex, especially when tied to (social) taboos and kinks or fetishes related to the above

Ω: 0

Minor Formula Spells

Do Not Disturb

Cost: 2 minor charges

Effect: The marismancer enters a short (30 seconds to a minute) trance, during which he sees a mental image of the closest location suitable for anonymous sex, as well as the fastest route to get there. What qualifies as a suitable location? Anywhere large enough for two people to fit at once, where they will not be disturbed for at least an hour. In fact, part of this spell involves synchronicity ensuring that no one will stumble on the marismancer and anyone joining him. The location itself can be anything from a public park’s bathroom stall to the bedroom of a vacationing retiree who forgot to lock up when she left to catch her plane.

Note that this spell cannot stop someone already following/spying on the marismancer from continuing to do so, nor anyone actively searching for him from happening to deduce his location and thus intrude in the location.

Also, the marismancer is not obliged to have sex in, or even go to, the envisioned location. He merely finds out what and where it is and is guaranteed of its privacy in the short term, as described above.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Cost: 1 minor charge

Effect: The Grindrge divines one piece of specific, non-secret information about a prior sexual partner. The information can be any of the examples listed under the taboo section (which, obviously, means this spell breaks taboo), or anything else along the same lines. The info does not to be publicly known, as long as the target would willingly share it with someone with whom they are on good terms.

No Strings Attached

Cost: 1 minor charge

Effect: The next person the Grindrge physically touches, speaks to, or communicates with via the internet fails to retain identifiable information they learn about him, such as his name, username, tattoos/body modifications, build, hair color, voice, etc.

This spell lasts for a number of minutes equal to the casting roll, after which the above kinds of information regain the capacity to “stick” for the target.

Show Hole

Cost: 1 minor charge

Effect: The DL creates a glory hole on a wall, door, or other flat, hard surface no deeper than 5.5 inches. The hole has a smooth, circular perimeter regardless of the material it’s created from, and a diameter of 3 inches.

Turn You On

Cost: 1 minor charge

Effect: The marismancer targets one man with whom he is making eye contact. For a number of minutes equal to the sum of the casting roll, that man experiences the physical effects of sexual arousal (i.e. an erection, if he has a penis). This spell has no effects on the target’s mental or emotional state, so it’s unlikely to cause a stress check unless they are intensely homophobic or otherwise afraid of intimacy with men.

What You Into?

Cost: 1 minor charge

Effect: The DL divines one of several possible pieces of information while thinking about someone they have had sex with in the past week: what socially unacceptable fetishes and/or kinks that person finds appealing (even if only privately), or how many hardened or failed notches they have in their Self gauge.

Significant Formula Spells

Better Safe Than Sorry

Cost: 1 significant charge

Effect: the marismancer is immune to contracting any sexually transmitted infections until the next time he reaches orgasm, or 24 hours have passed, whichever comes (heh) first. This spell does not affect his capacity to transmit STIs.

Chaser

Cost: 1 significant charge

Effect: The caster makes himself – specifically sexual desire of himself - the obsession of someone he has had sex with in the past 3 days. If they had another obsession, it is suppressed for the duration of the spell. It’s quite likely this shift of priorities causes a Self (2-3) check in the target, especially if they had a selfless or chaste obsession before.

This spell lasts a number of hours equal to the ones place of the casting roll.

Clean Your Privates

Cost: 1 significant charge

Effect: The DL must target a room he is currently alone in, and which he’s had sex in (with one or more other people) within the past 24 hours. The room automatically tidies itself over the course of a number of minutes equal to the ones place of the casting roll, regardless of its size and level of messiness. By the end, it looks exactly how it did just before the marismancer last entered it for sex. Any bodily filth/waste, used condoms, sex toys, etc. that are present spontaneously disappear from existence during this time. However, if while cleaning itself the room comes under observation (including a security camera) or occupancy by anyone besides the DL, the spell immediately ceases its progress partway and does not resume even if the DL gets rid of the observer.

Ghosted

Cost: 2 significant charges

Effect: The Grindrge becomes nearly impossible to track down for any and all of his past sexual partners. If he was in line of sight to any of them, it looks to them as if he disappears into thin air (which prompts Unnatural (4-5) check).

Additionally, for the duration of the spell, he gains +30% to Secrecy and Pursuit rolls to avoid them, and they cannot find any information about his present location using digital technology.

This spell lasts a number of hours equal to the ones place of the casting roll.

I Know How You Feel Inside

Cost: 1 significant charge

Effect: As with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, the marismancer breaks taboo to learn something about a past sexual partner. This more powerful version gives you access only to secrets, though. The marismancer can learn the answer to any question which the target would only willingly confide to a loved one or one of their Relationships, or under extreme duress.

Post Nut Crisis

Cost: 1 significant charge

Effect: This spell must be cast immediately after the Grindrge’s sexual partner reaches orgasm. It forces an Isolation check of rank equal to the sum of the casting dice by inducing a deep, existential feeling of loneliness and lack of love, even a sense that they are unlovable. If the target fails the check, they must flee rather than fight or freeze.